survival enterprises

By admin, February 20, 2010 8:38 pm

Could staying silent in marital spats really be a killer for women? Why or why not?

Staying Silent in Marital Spats a Killer for Women

http://uk.reuters.com/article/healthNews/idUKKIM05985320070820?pageNumber=1

From the article: Women who force themselves to stay quiet during marital arguments appear to have a higher risk of death, a new study shows. Such “self-silencing” during conflict may have provided an evolutionary survival advantage long ago, and unfortunately may be a necessity for women in abusive relationships, Dr. Elaine D. Eaker of Eaker Epidemiology Enterprises in Gaithersburg, Maryland, the study’s lead author, told Reuters Health

Eaker and her colleagues found that, over a 10-year period, the most striking finding was that women who self-silenced were four times more likely to die than women who expressed themselves freely during marital arguments.

Eaker and her team looked at 3,682 men and women for 10 years, participating in the Framingham Offspring Study, most of whom were in their 40s and 50s at the beginning of the study.

I can only speak from my own personal experience here, but I was married to a very abusive person for fifteen years. He was volatile, unpredictable, emotionally, psychologically and physically violent. I found that being “silent” during his rampages actually kept his temper from escalating more than if I spoke up or argued back. He was the type of person that if you fought back or argued, he’d react even more violently. A “show” of power or control, I suppose. To be silent (and not show emotion- anger, tears, or otherwise) seemed to be the only thing that kept me from having to endure worse levels of abuse or violence. As long as I complied with everything and kept my mouth shut, I was safer (but not completely immune) from more serious harm. It’s something like being attacked by a wild animal: if you “play dead” you just might survive. But, the day I left him, he truly “lost his mind.” To leave him was the “ultimate act of defiance”- he never thought I’d do this. He hadn’t expected it. He probably thought I didn’t have it in me…and it completely put him over the edge. He stalked me and threatened me continually for the next two years. I had a restraining order and protection order and it did nothing to deter him. I guess he thought that he could somehow scare me back into “compliance.” However, seeing this psychotic state he was in made me more sure that I needed to be away from him. The more I resisted, the harder he tried to frighten me (all in the name of getting me to take him back! How ironic is that?) Eventually, he did “crack”, and he tried to kill me. He broke into my house and assaulted me with a knife. He tried to rape me. He did a couple years of time for that. But when he got out, it still wasn’t over yet. He started stalking me again. He broke my bedroom window in with a flashlight one night while I was sleeping. I woke to shards of glass falling on top of me and my two year old daughter who was lying next to me in bed. He was screaming “I’m gonna kill you bitch!” at the top of his lungs. He had become enraged when he tried to get into the house through the front door and had found the locks had been changed. It was 4:00 am. Luckily for me, I had friends over who were asleep in the next room. He didn’t know they were there. (During this time while he was stalking me, I never stayed in my house alone at night if I could help it.) They heard me screaming and called the police. I truly believe if I had been alone that night, it might have been my last night on earth.

Staying “quiet” may save a person from further harm in the moment, but over time, it gives the abuser the distinct impression that they really do, indeed, have complete control over you. If you ever do try to get out from under that control, you’re in very real danger. It pushes an already emotionally and psychologically unstable person right over the edge into what I would call “psychosis.” This person realizes he has lost control of you, and he cannot come to terms with this. He desperately seeks to regain this control the only way he knows how, and so, the violence escalates to a whole new level, and yes, sometimes they end up killing.

Edit: Qzmaster: thank you.. what I’ve been through has taught me a lot of things. I choose to let my experiences be something that can be a tool for helping others in similar situations. So it hasn’t all been in vain.

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